My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You Might Also Like
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Beware of fowl play.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Happy thanksgiving
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.