A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.