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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…