A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Discuss
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.