i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot