me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Running your mouth is not cardio.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals