8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
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Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.