Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Noah
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla