You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
🍞🦆
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.