Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.