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“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
iPhone X
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Matt Goss
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!