When customers come in 6 hours before closing
You Might Also Like
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
LMAO.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
this has to be peak English
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”