I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
*bites zombie*
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.