This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox