This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.