I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn