– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!