I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m listening
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.