Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: