Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy