Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I think I’ll stand
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.