Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Perfect
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.