Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You Might Also Like
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Bed should get ready for ME
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.