She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.