Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Very problematic
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here