WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Has there ever been a more American story?
I created you as mosquito food.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.