i dont have time for this
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them