Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
You Might Also Like
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
oppen heimer style lol
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor