Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
😲 WTF? 😆
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
War & Peace
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”