I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right