“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.