Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Monday
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested