Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.