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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?