[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.