Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
There is no “we” in pizza
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die