*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…