Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.