☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
You Might Also Like
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
🤣🤣