Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.