That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot