If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe