What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Not all heroes wear capes….
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.