May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright