Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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