The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
You Might Also Like
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Ironic
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured