[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
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Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My current situation
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.