Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”