I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
tis the season
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?