[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.